Enough of Not Enough

 

Swarmed like a plague – of my “not-enoughness” – like a full-blown stress disorder – the internal trauma of lack that destroys my ness. Nothing less than a disease of my soul, upon which I plan to cure.
The plan to cure my not-enoughness. To clear out the infection of rejection and to start injecting with all things enough.
Enough is the antidote for not. The life-changing magic of enough.
The infection of rejection is deep. It has the potential to reject anything and everything that is good, even when goodness is staring me down. Tangible goodness. And I won’t see it.  I won’t recognize it. I reject it.
Goodness will try to shove itself down my throat – a benevolent choking- and I will cough it up, to feast on all things not-enough. Madness it is.
This potion of motion that directs my life into all things not-enough. I am the King – Queen. Queen of my own land, waving the potion of lack and not-enough, all through the land of my life. It’s a magic potion- powerful- powerful enough to create a land of lack and not-enoughness. Black magic. 
Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been practicing black magic.
A spell, if you will. A spell cast on me so very long ago – and a spell I’ve continued to practice: not by conscious choice, but by default.
My default mode is, “All things not-enough!” – exclamations everywhere.
!!! It’s not enough! You’re not doing enough! Not being enough! Not healthy enough – no time enough. No things good enough- you’re not- they’re not.  Life’s not!
So many no’s and not’s – and with more – and now.
You need more! You need to do more! Do more of less! More this! More that! You need more of all that you don’t have!
And you need it now! 
This, not-enoughness, need for more, urgency, and fear is controlling me- has a power over me- a spell of black magic- that must be broken.
All this running, mentally and physically, toward all that I don’t have, leaves me paralyzed and blind to appreciate, enjoy, and utilize all that I do have.
Exhausted in my not-enoughness.
A Hungry Ghost – never, ever, satisfied. No matter how much I keep feeding it. It rears its unsatiated self for more. I need more! It’s not enough! A feeding my impoverished soul can’t afford anymore.
This not-enough-stress-disorder needs to be re-ordered. Because not having enough, not being enough, not feeling enough is stressful. This becomes a stress management plan for my soul.
In order to re-order this disorder, I’ve inquired several questions; Where is the love for what I do have? How do I feed on enough?  How do I re-order my focus, and what is enough?
Where is the love? 
The Socratic method is part of the solution.
If I stop feeding the Hungry Ghost of fear-of-not-enough, then what does the Spirit of Love feed on? How do I fill the internal well of all-things-love-enough?
What would be the loving and kind thing to do for myself? –  to save myself from this plaque of not-enoughness.
To give myself the life-changing magic of enough – so that the new inner dialogue becomes, “all things enough!”
To give myself the medicine of enough- whether it tastes good or not – whether I like it or not. To swallow the goodness of enough. To digest it – and repeat, until it starts to taste good- so I can start to recognize it and not reject it.
Can I love what I have? Can I appreciate this body- the one I have right now- as is? Can I enjoy what I already have? Can I understand that I don’t need more stuff (I just need to enjoy more of what is here)? Can I enjoy this life as it is now? Be thankful I still have life in me? Can I find the gratitude to be thankful that I have what I have?
Can who I am, my -ness, and what I do be enough?
Am I capable of this?
Exhausting it is. 

 

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What is enoughness?
 -ness: state : condition : quality : degree 
What does enough feel like? Look like?
The challenge will be to simply start asking those questions and to experiment.
And most importantly, to manage the enough-of-now. Not to manage my life ten years from now. Knowing that I don’t have to compare my now-enoughness to my past self or my future self, but to simply focus on what is the enough-of-now.
To release the internal futile battle of comparing myself to my future self. Am I doing enough now? Is my beingness, my humanness, enough right now?
What is enough money right now? What is enough health, enough sleep, for now?
What’s enough media entertainment? Enough information? What’s too much?
How much less am I willing to have, that I might gain something more worthwhile? Am I willing to do less here, that I may do more there? Am I willing to be less here, that I may be more there?
What is enough stuff (clothes, products, supplements) for now? And what’s too much? If I were stranded on an island for 90 days, what would be enough? Let’s find out. Courtney Carver’s Be More With Less: Project 333 is an easy, already laid out plan to experiment in your survival with 33 items from your closet for 3 months. Can you survive? Can I?
Is this enough time and space to develop new habits of enoughness? What’s enough effort to get me moving in a direction I can be pleased with? What would be enough for me to feel successful (right now)?
Where do I already have enough?
Answering these questions, and getting creative with your own questions, is what will feed all-things-enough.
Give yourself the gift of your own enoughness. 

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