How To Start Living Loved.

It’s something you don’t understand until you’re ready to understand.
Second graders aren’t ready to understand calculus. And that’s important to mention because you don’t give up – you keep going – until you understand.
She* was talking about her beliefs and said, “I didn’t trust Love.”
Those words came to me like a power source that flooded my system – an internal surge protector shutting down. Deep silence and stillness came upon me, the kind you want to shift away from (just keep playing the podcast, move on), but I stayed in the depth of the nothingness as if something was saying, “Sit still, I’m trying to show you something.”
And then it surfaced. She didn’t trust Love...I don’t even believe it exists.
Did I just hear myself say that???
I don’t believe Love exists. 
Love with a capital L – not love like you love hotdogs. I once heard Thich Nhat Hahn use hotdogs as an example – in that we have watered down the word Love so much that we say…we love hotdogs.
Big Love and little love. I guess they both exist.
The one thing I want more than anything…deep down…I don’t believe exists. At least it doesn’t exist for me. The conundrum of this.
My belief: Love (with a capital L) does not exist. Because if I did believe, my life might be different. I’d stop wasting time with little love.
None existent. In essence, I am saying no to Love, not letting it in. The not acts as a barrier. And if I don’t believe it exists, would I even recognize it? I suspect not.
I’m saying not to the very thing I want. Love. And I realize my deepest fear is that I won’t be Loved (with a big L) – that I won’t experience the Love I intuitively feel exists. And, therefore, everything else feels less than, not enough, disappointing. I don’t care much about hotdog love. 
All that I’ve been seeking, thinking, and believing to be love – is not – and it leaves me with the feeling of less than, not enough, and disappointed because it is. Hotdog love feels disappointing.
It’s not that I am less than or not enough, it’s what I’ve been conditioned to think is love; is not. Well, it is to a lesser degree – smaller – small l – small love.  And something in me knows it, has always known it, and tells me to keep going.

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Continue to work out your salvation...I read.*  To be saved from fear, hate, and shame. And to work this out by being in the Presence of Love. Big Love.
In the Presence of Love. A Love that feels. A Love that fills – not your stomach – not your shelves – but fills your heart.
A Love not dependant on other people, places, or things. A Love not conditioned by society. This is the kind of Love I intuitively felt existed, and at the same time, believed and feared it didn’t.
To understand the Presence of Love is different. A difference that matters.
A Love with Presence – not with purchase – not with placate.
Being kind and nice is not always Love. It’s not hate, but it’s not Love either. This idea of “be kind – be a nice human” – well, I’ve recently witnessed a lot of nice humans with no presence of Love.  A robot can get me an object I ask for – that’s nice. Nice without Love is a robot. Kind acts, acting out of ego (to make one’s self look good) is not Love. It feels different – feels less than – not enough – disappointing.
Placate is not the same as Presence.
To be in the presence of Big Love matters. It’s a game-changer. And to know the difference. That’s the challenge.
If I want to shift away from my belief that Love doesn’t exist, I have to remove the not.
Love does exist. Then it seems I have to learn to live Loved.
How do I learn to live Loved? To be Loved. To let Love in. Seek and ye shall find. That’s the challenge.
Where’s Waldo? He’s there – you just have to look – be patient – seek – don’t give up – keep going.
Where is Big Love? Where is felt Love? Felt kindness? Where are felt people?
I am not conditioned for such Love. How do I save my mind and body from it’s conditioned fear, hate, and shame? How do I work out my own salvation?
I need a new body-conditioning program.
Not one that has to do with nutrition, weight loss, or cardio. Well maybe, but what’s more true, is I need to be nourished by Love. To do daily reps with Love in order to build Love muscles. I need to lose heavy things in my life that weight me down. And my cardiovascular system needs a heart that pumps with felt Love.
Felt Love. And to know the difference. To feel it. And my body is numb.
So how do I stimulate and wake my body up to a felt Love?
To save myself from the conditioned fear, hate, and shame – to save myself with felt Love. To allow the Presence of Love to save me. To give Love the chance to exist within me.
To challenge Love. To see if it wins. Will Love win? Or will fear, hate, and shame?
Love Wins, he told me.* And I want to believe him, so I guess I am “up” for the challenge. To wake up – and to start with the very thing I have access to every second of the day; my body.
Fear lives me. Hate lives me. Shame lives me. What would it be like to let Love live me?
Can I let Love live me in a way that I feel it? So I truly know what it’s like to be Loved – to feel Loved – and if I know what it’s like to be Loved, can I Love others in a felt way? Can I be a presence of Love they can feel? And can this type of felt Love make a difference that truly matters?
To make Love to my body.
What?
To start making Love to my body, he said,* not sexual, but to make Love in my body – to stop making hate, fear, and shame.
The body is a temple (the Bible says). He* said it differently; to worship the body. There’s something important about worship – inside – temples – bodies.
Do I believe my body is a temple? Obviously not, I know what goes on in there. Fear, hate, and shame go on in there.
First to be aware of that which generates fear and hate. Then the Loving thing to do would be to not engage in that which generates fear, hate, or shame in my body – in my physical form. To not engage (the best I can).
To start making Love within my body. Growing Love. Like a garden (you could say). To give my physical body the chance to feel Love, as oppose to feeling numb, fear, hate, or shame. Because when fear, hate, or shame are not present, there is a numbness in my body.
To increase my body-awareness of what feels Loving. And can my body be an expression of Love felt? To let my body display – to be an example of Love felt?
To start feeding my body that which it digests as Loving. Not what my mind thinks feels good (and doesn’t) – but to let my body tell me, by how it feels.
And this of course is an individual process.
A process of becoming more aware of what physical elements (at a fundamental level) actually make one’s physical body respond with Love, Delight, and Goodness.
Do we know what Goodness feels like anymore? To be touched by Goodness.
To start, what elements make the body feel alive? Sound. Sight. Taste. Smell. Touch. Am I feeding my five senses that which it feels nourished by? Loved by?
Like a garden, can I remove toxins from the soil, and start nourishing my physical organism.
If I give my body a voice, what would it tell me about feeling Love, Delight, and authentic Goodness?
Am I listening? Can I start?
And this is a good start – to start allowing Love in.
To start learning to take responsibility for the Love I allow in my life. To take up the challenge to recognize Love. To grow Love. To cultivate Love within my own body.
As a means to embody Love. 
Knowing that responsibility is a matter of how we respond. How am I responding to the basic level of Loving my physical body?
And if I can’t generate more Love in the fundamentals of that which I live in every day – in that which I exist…we exist in this body. Because if I can’t generate more Love in that which I exist every day, what makes me think I can generate Love in the world?
-L.

Notes.
*She – Podcast
*Work out your salvation – Phillipian 2:12 (less the fear)
*He – David Deida