The deep sense of freedom that comes with a calm, internal “No.”
It feels light, it feels gracious, it feels free – and frees me up for more energy.
A No that wasn’t always calm. Violent it was. Havoc on my nervous system – and the chemical abuse in my body that pursued.
A rage that poured- against the impositions headed towards me.
Rage against the dictates of how I am to act, what I am to think, and what I am to believe.
An attempt to dictate my own I amness – trying to dictate the humanness out of me.
Rude, rude, rude, and beyond. Arrogant and of utmost ignorant. Offended I was.
Don’t you know I am Human!?#& Not a Puppet!?&@ – it was an offense against every grain of my being.
Hateful, offended, and outraged, not a healthy trio, but at the time, I had little knowing of what else to do, so I raged on.
A literal display of both hands up with the lyrics, “Back the f*** up!” *
And I kept rollin, rollin, and rollin, until the internal refusal, rage, and hate broke like a fever.
A harsh struggle; an internal attempt for freedom.
Of what felt like a slow coaxing to sell out my soul, my mind, my body, and ultimately my life. It was subtle; it was clever – credit I must give them…thankful I broke free.
It’s now a beautiful hands-free gracious, No.
A No that doesn’t need to be spoken. A No that doesn’t need to be defended nor explained. A solid No. Grounded it is.
A No that feels of power (against the force) – (if we knew the difference between power and force, there might be more gracious power).
As if I’ve been handed a magic wand and I have the freedom to point to the Yes’s and No’s of my life.
No…I am not going to participate in this conversation.
No…I’m not going to participate in that belief system.
No…I am not sick, not diseased, nor powerless (or any label you cast upon me).
No…I don’t need your so-called ‘saving’. The kind of saving that comes with the price of my soul.
Thank you…but No.
I have higher rescue.
I’m not going to play into the swarms of fear – a playground I choose not to enter. I would rather play alone. And I have, and I do, until I’m not. I am not alone. There are others playing a different game, following different rules – there is a new playbook.
New systems coming into play.
No…I’m not going to respond to low-quality mindsets or activity – nor to the desperate attempts and demand for my attention.
My attention is not easily sold, nor given away to the whims of useless shine. My attention is no longer given to the intellects running the show; but aren’t. Strings to the puppets they may pull, but I have scissors in which to set myself free.
There are ways to cut yourself free.
Intellects – moving air around their mouths and saying nothing*.
Unfelt words from the less of heart, but intellectual they are. Unbeknownst ‘mind goers’ – who only run on their minds- running on one cylinder. Smart they are, Jeopardy-style. Credit given where credit is due.
Intellects lost in the worship of their own mind- prisoners of their intellect;
ignorant to the gifts, grace, and beauty of their own humanness.
Humanless intellects; to be as gracious as I can.
Intellects without human intelligence.
A gracious No… to humanless intellects who tell you how to climb a mountain (from a book) but have never tasted dirt or their own sweat.
Yes…to the life, experience, courage, beauty, and grace that wants to emanate from the human body.
Yes, to all things mindless: and yes to the wisdom of my human senses. Lest we forget…lest we’ve never known,
the beauty of running on all cylinders.
No longer giving my attention away. No longer disrespecting, ignoring, selling (for nothing), one of the most valuable assets I have: my attention.
My attention was lost, and now it is found.
The ability to tend to, to attend to, to give attention to the most worthy thing I own: the life in me and in front of me; here-now.
To begin attending to our lives.
There is beauty here. Grace resides.
To act, think, and do as I see fit. My own fitness.
To say No here, as a means to say Yes to life within me – this is my new fitness plan. To be a beautiful fit for my own humanness.
My attention is like gold; pearls you might say, and it’s a simple No – to not give my pearls to swine.
I graciously take heed:
Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. *
And in my last act of grace, let me not forget we are all human, as to not dehumanize by means of swine. But to learn to discern: those who will shit on your grace, those who do not recognize the pearls of being human, deserve not my efforts, as to which they will waste, and waste my life I will not.
notes – lyrics by Limp Bizkit. scripture Matthew 7:6.